i wanted to post some paragraphs on a realization that ticked me off last night, while being hounded by the troublesome thing we call insomnia, but hell, the diskette wouldn't open. it mostly consisted of ranting about why i had always thought of myself as 'confused'. and then i thought of becca. see, she has this ridiculous and unwavering belief that she is fat, and is the major cause of debates among friends. my recollection of her consisted mostly of scenes wherein she would whine about the fat gathering around her arms and how it made her look, well, fat. and the verdict would be, as with all other similar conversations, 'no becca, you are not fat'. end of conversation. till the next whining session.
no, truly, she isn't fat. she thinks so because people say so, but in jest, and thus it has been implanted in her system, and the fucking bug wouldn't get out.
i may have a similar case, except that at the end of a tedious discussion over personal case studies, the hypothesis that i am confused isn't reveresed. "Lagi chai, gubot bitaw ka". i sometimes wish i didn't have friends who analyzed everything so much to the detail, and kept track of how one's mentality and personality has progressed over the years. if i may, i would liken this tight circle of ours as a roving sanitarium, wherein we played the role of both patient and psychiatrist, depending on who's sane and who's nuts at the time. but most of the time, since i have adapted to the ways of my adopted siblings, i've uncovered more truths about myself than i would have had i been alone, or with another lot. they've managed to put together the pieces of the puzzle that is me (that's always how it is, isn't it?)
it is thus that i have been labeled the confused one among the bunch, a result of all this incessant ranting about life, love and the brain. and i've lived the past months thinking so (no wonder i frequently find the word 'brain' and other similar terms in my writings). that, in part, and moreover, my failure to learn from it and take off and try to think straight is mostly what has caused the tumult in my head. Labels do have their effect. Kieth says he's arrogant because people say so. becca says she's fat because people say so. and i've done the same with my confusion, because people say so.
but perhaps i also owe some of my artworks to my confusion. some songs and writings have been made in my bewildered state, and they've turned out to be quite good, at least for me (they may not be good for standards; it's just it surprises me how these things could after all come out of me).
and who the fuck thinks straight anyway? and how does one think straight? almost everyday we are crushed by the burdens some demented professor gives us, an unreasonable complaint is hurled at us, some dumbfuck says something that makes him deserve to be mauled. is thinking straight setting your priorities straight and constantly thinking about how to get money for your siblings in the near future? it nearly killed me just trying to devise ways to cope with these. no, i may not be as confused as they say i am. i'm tired of thinking so. indecisive, yes, perhaps, but confused--i think i owe it to myself to give me some credit for the efforts i've put in trying to think fucking straight, despite their being futile. perhaps wierd and crazy are just terms applied on those who do not fit the frame society has set up. oh yes, go on, pray tell dear reader, since you're not half as confused as i am, how does one think straight?
